So Far Away
by lilly32261
Summary: Songfic for 'So Far Away' by Avenged Sevenfold. Mostly Neal's POV. How Neal felt/his thoughts after the explosion Out of the Box . Spoilers for 'Out of the box' and 'Under the Radar' specifically, but there might be some general stuff for season 2.


**Don't own WC or **_**So Far Away**_** by Avenged Sevenfold.**

_Never feared for anything  
>Never shamed but never free.<br>A laugh that healed the broken heart with all that it could._

Neal stared at the empty bottle in his hands. He hated how he had to fake it every day; he smiled, he laughed, he pretended he was fine even though Kate was dead. But even more than that he hated how Peter could see through the carefully constructed façade. Honestly, he thought that it would be better if he didn't have the anklet. Moz said that they were free because they didn't mind breaking rules, but Moz didn't know what it was like to have a tracking anklet constantly letting the FBI know where you were.

But maybe, just maybe, he wouldn't mind running. Even if it was only because he was lacking a purpose right now.

_Lived the life so endlessly,  
>Saw beyond what others see<br>I tried to heal your broken heart  
><em>_with all that I could_

Peter knew that Neal was fighting to get through day after day. He saw through the forced smiles. He knew the man well enough that he could see the masked pain in those brilliant blue eyes. He knew that they all needed to tread carefully- if Neal got irritated, impatient, he would run without a second thought. Kate was gone.

_Will you stay?  
>Will you stay away forever?<em>

Alex had been avoiding him. Neal knew it, but he tried to ignore it. Maybe it was for the best, but he wasn't so sure. The thing that irritated him the most was that he didn't know what he wanted. Did he want the sex Alex would happily provide? Or did he need something more? Did he want justice or revenge?

_How do I live without the ones I love?  
>Time still turns the pages of the book it's burned,<br>Place and time always on my mind.  
>I have so much to say but you're so far away<em>

Neal hated it. Time continued its steady march onward even though Kate was gone. The flashbacks grew less frequent, but he still preferred to be outside, and the acrid smell of smoke seemed to follow him, though it was fainter now. No matter where he went, what he did, he could only forget about the explosion for a handful of minutes if he was lucky. It was almost always intruding in on his thoughts.

Honestly, he didn't know how to move on. More than anything else he wanted to tell Kate about it all but that was impossible. That was when he started writing the letters.

_Plans of what our features hold  
>Foolish lies of growin' old<br>It seems we're so invincible, the truth is so cold_

Neal flipped through the old book, jumping slightly when a note fell out. His heart fluttered as he recognized Kate's writing, but with a bitter surge of disappointment he recognized it as the note she had left for him at Grand Central. He bitterly remembered how he had run towards the phone when it rang, pushing people out of the way to answer it.

He also remembered how she had refused to stay when he ran to meet her, and how she had asked for everything he had stolen in exchange for her.

Then happier memories intruded on his mind and he smiled slightly at how far ahead they had planned, though the only things that were ever in detail were the next cons they were running. It definitely came as a shock when the Feds finally caught up to them.

_A final song, a last request  
>A perfect chapter laid to rest<br>Now and then I try to find a place in my mind  
>You can stay, You can stay awake forever.<em>

Neal wished every day that he could have just one more day with her. One day to say goodbye, I love you, I'll never forget you or find another. Their storybook life shouldn't have ended this way- the perfect fairy tale had somehow become fractured somewhere along the way, as if it was fate's cruel way of taking payment for all those lucky breaks over the years.

Neal wished she was still there with him.

_Sleep tight, I'm not afrid  
>The ones that we love are here with me<br>Lay away a place for me  
>'Cause as soon as I'm done, I'll be on my way<br>To live eternally._

Neal finished the letter with that simple statement. He put the period in place and then leaned back in his chair. Suicide was out of the question- he wasn't the type to take his own life- but he knew that even then death wouldn't be hard to come by while he was working with the FBI. Every case might be his last, but somehow he didn't really mind. Not anymore.

_I love you  
>You were ready<br>The pain is strong enough to despise  
>But I'll see you<br>When He lets me  
>Your pain is gone, your hands are tied.<em>

Peter didn't trust him anymore. Adler had been shot. They had dodged death more times than Neal cared to count that day, and a tiny sliver of him hated that the plots to end his life hadn't succeeded even once. Once would be enough.

But he was over that now. His will to live was stronger than even the death of Kate. She was patient- he of all people knew that. So when it was finally his time, he would go happily and into her waiting arms. He wasn't a religious man, but for the sake of his sanity he believed that there had to be some sort of paradise after death.

He was just glad that she couldn't be hurt anymore.

_So far away._

Peter finally got the nerve to show Neal the note. He hadn't found it until days after that meeting with Kate, and she had told him to only show Neal if things didn't go as planned. He had wanted to show the younger man any number of times immediately after the explosion, but it never seemed to be the right time.

But now was. He owed his partner an apology for not believing him and this was the best thing he could think of. Neal was better now, not on a suicide watch, not so distant. Peter liked to think that the reason he had withheld the existence of the note was because his CI was so distant.

But that was a lie.

_And I need you to know  
><em>

Neal walked into the room and scowled at Peter. "Yes?" he asked.

Peter inwardly winced. Maybe it was too soon. It had only been a few days after the incident with Adler. Maybe neither of them were ready for this. Still, he forced himself to pull out the pristine envelope and hand it to Neal.

"There's something I need you to know…"

_So far away  
>And I need you to, Need you to know...<em>

Neal waited until he could slip away into the Men's Room to read the note from Kate. His hands shook as he opened it, careful not to tear the delicate envelope more than necessary. When he opened the note he read it quickly, barely letting the message sink in.

He read it a second time, slower. He mouthed the words to himself: _If you're reading this I need to you know that I love you, and always will. I hope I'll see you again someday, and that you even get to read this message. But then again, you trust Peter and that should be more than good enough for me. I just need you to know that I never wanted to do this, but I had to in order to keep you safe. I'm sorry we couldn't have had more time together, Neal. I love you, and I want to tell you that you need to move on. Don't continue obsessing over me. If I'm gone then it was my time to go. Continue to help Peter, and I'll be waiting for you._

_Kate._

Neal held it to his nose and breathed in the smell of her perfume. He knew that Peter meant this as an apology, and he found himself accepting it. Even this little bit of Kate that Peter had given him showed how much the other man cared.

Neal realized that somewhere between then and now he had gotten over Kate's death. Well, as over as he was likely to get about it. He had her last goodbye and she had ordered him to move on. And move on he would, but that little bit of Neal Caffrey would always belong to Kate Moreau.

**I've been listening to a lot of Avenged Sevenfold lately and this song struck me as perfect for the whole Neal/Kate scenario. I'm sure I could have found another way to make this song fit the show but I just decided screw it, I need to write **_**something**_** this week. The next chapter on Home might be a while in coming b/c I have massive writers block issues right now(thus why I wrote this out instead of saving it on a notepad doc and calling it an 'idea'- I'll happily accept an idea when it comes)**

**Anyway, review please!**

**Also, sorry if any words are missing. I'm posting this kinda early and with a time limit since FFN wouldn't let me last night. If its screwy let me know and I'll attempt to fix it. **


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